losing myself

7:44 AM




There's this raw sense of emotion that happens with years of holding things in, with trying to hide yourself away for so many years.
All my life I've shielded myself from my parents and older family members, desperately wanting to be understood, desperately afraid of not being listened to. 
Many teens go through that up and down battle course of emotions. But I held onto mine for so hard and for so long that I had to let go. 

I'm an adult now. 
It's time to put the past in the past. 
It's time to let go. 

Confession is hard and raw and real and freeing. It's why I've come to embrace honesty - because it's freeing, because it takes you on the road to healing. 
After I took up confessing to those I'd wronged, to parents I'd ignored as a young teen and to siblings I'd been incredibly rude to as a child, I can't explain what happened except God tore the aching layers away from my heart. 
I've written posts about feeling too broken, unfixable, but in those moments of confession I felt a little bit of healing begin. As my innermost layers were exposed to my mom as I described my war of emotions as a child, the things I'd wrongly assumed, and false ideas I'd come to accept, I felt God whisper, "this is where the healing begins." 
Healing begins with confession. 
Confession begins with honesty. 
There's no other way. 
There's great pain in tearing away these layers. There's no fun in exposing yourself and your emotions to the people you love. 
At the end of those days where I was most vulnerable, I felt an immense weight being lifted off, but I also felt immense fear - fear because I didn't know how to continue on. Suddenly, my mom knew me: the real me. The me I'd always been but had been too afraid to be. When I woke up the next morning I was struck with the idea that I'd been living a lie so long I didn't know how to walk in truth. 
For so long I'd believed lies about love and truth and healing - twisted, oh so wrong lies, and now what did I believe? 
I still believe in God - but my ideas of loving having to be earned, of going so long seeking acceptance from peers - I suddenly realized I could no longer walk in that mindset. And it scared me. 
And freed me. 

Jon Foreman sings about faking your own death, and then living like you've always wanted to. I always liked the idea of faking my own death and suddenly being free to be who I wanted to be. But then it hit me that confession and through the blood of Christ, I had that chance. I'm forever going to be broken and I'm forever going to trip-up, but Christ has given me the chance to start over. That old me no longer exists - I didn't have to fake my own death because when I wasn't following Christ, I was already death in a very spiritual sense. 
Was I a Christian before I just so recently had a little confession moment? 
Yes, completely and utterly. I loved Jesus - I still do. My relationship with Him has been stronger then it ever has. 
Which is why my heart was so heavy with the lack of confession before. As I walked the walk of the Christian life and strove to reach others with the gospel, I was holding back from deep healing.
The Bible says to confess your sins and Jesus will be faithful to cleanse us. It doesn't mean we'll suddenly be healed completely and utterly. It doesn't mean that there's blinding light from heaven and you are no longer broken. 
We live in a falling world and every day I'm broken just a little bit more in little ways. 
I'm a complex, fallible human. 
But I'm beginning to see beauty in confession, I'm beginning to see that once those hard, crusty layers are exposed to the public - that is when Jesus takes the light and shines through. In those moments, that is when He speaks that He's near. It's in those moments something explainable and beautiful and painful and wonderful happens. 
And I'm learning how to heal.
To really heal.

Not everything that is faced can be changed, but nothing can change until it is faced. 
Lucille Ball

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12 of your thoughts

  1. I needed this post. Thank you! This is beautiful and opened my eyes to a lot. <3
    God bless you!

    ~Ivie
    iviewrites.blogspot.com

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    1. Aww thank you Ivie - I so appreciate your kind words. <3

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  2. This is so beautiful and so encouraging!! Thank you for sharing! <3

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  3. Wow. I know people overuse this word way to much to describe blog posts, but this post is truly beautiful. xx

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    1. Aww, thank you, thank you, Emily. You are beautiful! <3

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  4. I love the truths you share in this post. A lot of the things you are taking about like bottling up feelings, and trying to move past family tension are things that should be talked about more. Good to know we are not the only ones who have dealt with things like that. I enjoyed this post a bunch!

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    1. You are by-far not alone Vanessa - everyone at one point in their life deals with tension and bottling up emotions and words. Keep fighting the good fight!!! <3
      Thank you so much for your encouraging comment!

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  5. Thank you so much for this post. It was like I was reading a journal entry from my heart, one that I'd never written but knew to be true. Thank you for putting words to it. <3

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    1. WOW that is one of the highest compliments I've ever received. Thank you!

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  6. I like this a lot, Kara. Confession is hard - it's so unnatural. But I'm so glad you've experienced freedom through it. You're brave, and it's inspiring. My favourite lines were these: Healing begins with confession.
    Confession begins with honesty.
    Thanks, friend. xx

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