how i have survived never having a boyfriend or date

8:54 AM

A few months ago a a guy friend joked to me about another guy having a crush on me. "It is not me he has a crush on. I've never had a boyfriend, much less a guy even crushing on me -- it's not happening, " I joked in reply.
Because joking is easier than what I was really feeling.

I am twenty years old and have never even been asked on a date.

I'm not embarrassed to admit it.
It's the honest truth.
I tell people that all the time without trying to feel shame or have people feel sorry for me.
But honestly? What I'm feeling deep down inside? Sometimes the truth hurts. Sometimes I wonder what's wrong with me. Sometimes I wonder why my friends are married or have gone on dates or are dating wonderful men, and I haven't even so much as had someone flirt with me.
I was never one to kiss dating goodbye. I was never the person who thought that one single date could lead to "the one."
I was never against dating in general.
But as Valentines Day comes up, I may as well be.

I'm everyone's buddy. I'm everyone's friend. I'm the friend who everyone hangs out with but nothing goes much deeper than that. I'm a friend to everyone as much as possible....
and that's about it.
And at twenty that's not exactly many people's goal.
 Buttttt....I've learned to be content in my singleness.
Saying I'm happy to be single would be lying (let's not lie). I'm not saying it's all roses and butterflies. Honestly I don't think I will ever be able to say I'm happy to be single, and that's okay.
But I am content.
I have learned to look beyond the men in my life, to see what I can do in my singleness instead of what I cannot. I have learned to focus on cultivating friendships with the people in my life, dedicating much of my time to work and writing and blogging, and in general filling my time with hobbies and people I love. I have learned that I do not need a man to fill my time. I have learned not to chase men or a romantic's too exhausting.
Romantic relationships are beautiful, I know that, I long for that.
But they are not my everything.
I don't want another human to have to fulfill me -- because in the end we would both be unhappy. A relationship cannot be my rock because human rocks never stay standing.
I certainly could never be anyone's rock.
If I am their rock, they're going to fall.

We can use other's as our source of happiness but in the end we will fail...and what then? Relationships are to help us grow, to love on us and encourage us, but when they became our main source of life...we will die inside.
I cannot allow a relationship (romantic, friendship, or otherwise) to give me life.
I simply cannot.
It has taken me months, years even, to become the human I am today and each day I am still growing. I need others around me but they do not define my worth.
They cannot.
The world has different ideas of my worth and I cannot use them to measure myself against. To try and make myself worthy of the world is exhausting. Even if they have the best intentions, the world is fallible and will falling.
I cannot.
I am Kara Lynn. My own worst enemy is myself and my second worst enemy is thinking others will make me happy. While they can for awhile, with time they will let me down even if they don't mean to. They will make mistakes, they may leave me...and what then?
Will my life no longer hold any value?

I am not defined by anyone or anything.
Neither are you.
When we allow relationships to define us, we will fall. When we allow possessions to become our worth, we will never be more empty. When beauty and popularity is our source of happiness, we will fall into the trap of depression.
When we look to the One who defines us, the One who is our Rock, the One who loves us no matter what we do, the One who calls us beautiful even on our ugliest of days...
that's when we will be happy
that's when life is worth living

Life isn't worth living for anyone or anything

except the One will never fails us.

I may not happy to be single this Valentines. A date would be nice sometime.
But I am content with life as it is.
And for now that is enough.

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16 of your thoughts

  1. Your thoughts are like my thoughts. I would love to find "the one" God made for me sooner rather than later. But I'm not in a rush to leave the single life, either. I'm content. I wouldn't say I'm ashamed to have never had a boyfriend, but sometimes I wonder what it would be like. In a world where people base that as a standard, I guess I don't fit any molds. (I never did, though.)

    I know I will find him and he will find me when the time is right because neither of us are ready yet. God has not finished preparing us yet.

    Love this post. <3 I know you'll find someone super special. <3

    1. Don't worry -- I've never fit any molds either. Thanks so much for your encouragement and sweetness. Here's to being uniquely God's in all that we do. *Hugs*
      I know you'll find someone super special as well Ivie!

  2. this was so so great- such a wonderful point! i love that you are honest.. keep shining girl! xx

  3. Yes, preach! I love this post, valentines is tough when everyone else seems to be in a relationship, we but can make it through!
    All in God's timing. <3

    1. YES all in God's timing. We can't force anything -- it's all up to Him <3 <3 <3

  4. such a beautiful post. I can relate to this a lot. I felt the exact same way you did. as the joke goes in the film "Frances Ha:" Im undateable.
    I felt that way for a long time. everyone loves me and thinks Im so great...but like not to date. just platonically.

    I just got my very first boyfriend a couple months ago. and Im 22 freaking years old. lol. it took foREVER. but thats okay! because my life doesnt need to look like everyone elses. so while I just watched a ton of my friends get engaged over the holidays, I'm just trying to figure out basic communication in a relationship. and thats okay!

    take your time, girl. everyone may act like theres this rush, but there isnt :) I appreciate this post a lot. thank you!

    1. Thank you for sharing a bit of your dating story with me -- you're such an encouragement! XOXO

  5. Hi Kara. Ya ain't alone. i'm 21 and ain't in a relationship. I was for 2 days or so with someone who is special to my heart and I am close to. The decision to just be best friends between me and her made things even better than before. But other than that, me neither. God will provide though, I reckon. Am I lonely, ya, but I am overlooked and misunderstood by most anyways, so i'm accepting and yet frustrated that I ain't and never have been in a relationship for the most part ( the 2 day one was too short for me to call a relationship for the most part.) God gives and provides, and to sum everything up, in a part of a application where I had to describe my relationship with Christ " He is the reason life is worth living." BUT, you ain't alone.

    1. Thank you for commenting Evan -- you are always so open!!! I really like that!

    2. thanks for the compliment. 'you Keep fighting.

  6. Hold the ball, Lucy. Here comes Charlie Brown!

    Who wins? At anything. Life. Business. Love. The same people who fail. Why? Because you have to fail to succeed. You have to get scuffed up, bruised and occasionally humiliated. If you're too afraid to try you'll never lose, But you'll also never win.

    Putting yourself in a position to meet someone who'll love you means being willing to risk hurt feelings, embarrassment and terrible pain. The question, regardless of what you want, is "What are you willing to risk in order to get it?"

    Find SAFE (in a physical sense) meeting places. Clubs, church groups, charities. Wherever. Keep your body safe and put your heart at risk. If you don't, you'll be alone.

    One last thing. STOP running yourself down. You look good. You're nice, or so I hear(sorry couldn't resist).

    Kara, you have a lot to offer. You deserve to be happy.

    1. Thank you Ray -- you always make me think about life a little differently!

  7. Kara. You. Are. Not. Alone. I know a bunch of wonderful Christian young ladies (including myself) who have never been on a date, never been asked, and never had a boyfriend or equivalent. And they are all older than me (19). Yah, it's rough. But you are right. Relationships are not the end game. Bringing God glory is the end game. If God sees that the best way to bring Him glory is by putting His child in a relationship, then He will. If He knows He has a better plan for His child, then so be it. :)

    1. Exactly -- love this advice! I don't know if we've ever been "introduced" so if you're new to my blog, I welcome you. <3

  8. And another thing! (You had to know there'd be a follow-up)

    "I certainly could never be anyone's rock." Re-think that one. Don't you realize that men are big babies? I know I am. We need constant support and reassurance. Any woman looks beautiful when she's soothing and caring. Any woman who isn't will eventually be as unattractive as she is indifferent.


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