my biggest fear

6:46 AM

When I was little I didn't fear monsters in the closet or the dark. I would wake up in the middle of the night and check on my parents to make sure they were still breathing. I would slip across the hall and through the living room, unable to sleep until I knew they were okay.
I started at an early age in the paralyzing fear that I would lose someone I loved.
But later the fear of losing someone I loved grew. I realized that it was not just death that could tear relationships apart. I never had many friends growing up. I was the loner. I lost myself in music a lot.
But the friends I did have...many left me. I was bullied some. I was basically your typical late bloomer, and my best friend in about 8th grade thought I was a "cute kid," and left me for the popular crowd.

And my fear has never left.

I didn't even realize it was something that held onto me until now. My parents never knew how much I feared losing them to death or their abandonment, but now I see how much it controlled me through childhood and into now being an adult.
I get jealous easy. I wear my heart on my sleeve. I love like there is no tomorrow. I will be your friend for life if you let me. I love people.
And I live in the constant fear that I will lose them.

I am an overachiever. I people please. I use to lie if I thought people would like me better for it. I tend to justify it all by saying it's helping my fear.

I honestly don't know what to do with this. Admitting all of this is not easy, but I promised to be honest on this blog. I promised to share my journey (the good and bad) about living as a beautifully broken soul.
So here I am, a post with no resolution.
Because at this point I don't have one. And not having all the answers? That can be okay.
My fear does not define me. I know that. I just wish I believed that. I wish I could trust. I wish every day I didn't doubt my worth.
My fear cannot stop me.
But sometimes I let it anyway.

I can easily allow my fears to choose for me what I act on. I re write texts. I hate to make phone calls. I stress until you answer. I'd change who I am if it means you'd love me more. I do not lie when I say I have nightmares and lose sleep over what people may be thinking. I use to lay awake for hours in constant anxiety.
I'm an ennegram 2. I am a people-pleaser. I want you to like me, I want to be needed. It is in my DNA to want to love and love hard and never let you go.

Sister *laughing*: Stop right there, you look dark
Me: Like this?
Sister: Yeah, like that

My fears.
They are trying to control me.
They love to hold me back from my full potential, make me feel like crap.

I don't know where to go from here. This controls so many decisions I make. Last night I sat under the apple tree in the corner of my yard and watched the sun set, begging God for answers. I cannot live like this, but fear has been my reality all my life.
There was nothing that triggered this. I didn't have a traumatic childhood. I wish I had feared monsters in the closet and the normal silly things. I don't know what caused this deep fascination with death, what began this cycle of fear. I wish I did. I wish I had answers.
But I don't. But realizing this fear is not normal, I think it's the beginning to trying to find answers.
And I'm determined to be stronger for it.

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8 of your thoughts

  1. Wow! Thank you for being honest, because as a fellow people pleaser this really hit home.
    We can fight the fear!

    1. Yes we can! <3 <3 <3 Thank you so much for commenting. XOXO

  2. Kara, you're not alone, I have this same fear! Every day I struggle with this. It is really hard, but God made us to be who He wants and He loves us so much, it is amazing. You are wonderful, so keep up the fight against this. <3 That Narnia picture is perfect at the end!

    1. Aww thank you, girl. I really appreciate your love. *Hugs*

  3. Fear is an awful thing. I'm usually not a worrier because it's such an unhealthy way to live and generally I can choose positivity. But sometimes I lay awake at night thinking about things that could happen. All different scenarios. It's a disturbing habit and one that I wish would go away.

    I realize in those times how long it often takes me to ask God for peace. I can lie awake forever before I start trying to remember if I've acknowledged His presence yet. It makes me feel foolish and unworthy, but it makes me so happy to know Him when the peace finally comes.

    I'll be praying for you, friend. <3

    1. Your encouragement and prayers means a lot Emily!!!!
      We all have different battles in life and that is wonderful that you have learned how to control your worry. <3 <3 <3 I really hope eventually I can get to that point.

  4. Yes I'm a people pleaser too.
    Remember if you believe in God's promise, you will see them again.

    1. I know -- I have seen His promises over and over. God just blows my mind sometimes with his love. <3
      Thank you for commenting, girl!


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