i had a panic attack last night

10:34 AM



Hola readers!

I had a panic attack while trying to fall asleep last night.
I haven't had a "real" one like this in probably two years. I didn't think all this talk of the virus was really causing me to worry. Up to this point I've felt pretty calm about the whole thing, a peace that didn't mimic a lot of what was going on. I told my friend yesterday that I haven't worried these last couple weeks: come what may, I have no control of any of the events. I hug (and have continued to hug) people without worrying. I wash my hands and take precautions but we can't control anything.
Life's always been out of our control -- we just forget that until something catastrophic happens. We forget that the earth is spinning in the middle of black space, that the sun is a ball of fire, that each breath that fills our lungs, we can not do on our own. We forget that our hearts could stop beating at any moment, that life is so very far from our control.
And then something like this happens
and we remember.

My anxiety continued into the night, waking me every hour, until I finally got up at three something in the morning to get ready for work. I had nightmares about the virus sweeping our nation, about family members and friends, and....just nightmares in general I don't remember. The dread rose, making me feeling a heavy weight lay on my chest, like I couldn't breathe, like I was dying.
But guess what?
I'm not dying.
I am alive.

I got up for work today.
I worked a few hours.
I was let off super early because virtually no one wants to risk it now...but guess what? Let's be positive: More writing time.
None of my family or friends though out the US are affected as far as I know. I still have a job to go to. I'm enjoying watching comedies right now -- they're helping me cope in the rising chaos. My little brother wrote a cute paper on a bird for an English essay. He showed me today because of how proud he was of it. As dumb as it sounds, my mom found toilet paper. I'm reading a really good Stephen James book. Waymarker from Leeland is on repeat.
And I'm alive.
I'm breathing.

Breathing.

Alive.

The sun still hangs in the sky. The ocean still crashes against the shore. A child's laughter still reminds me of innocence.
And while the world has gone into chaos, there is Someone who remains the same.
Love still wins.
Light still overpowers the darkness.

Maybe today it doesn't feel that way. Maybe today the panic will set in...and maybe it will remain. But I'm choosing to remember the good, to be thankful for what reminds, to remember that I was no more in control yesterday than I am today, that chaos doesn't me anymore control then in the peace. I have to make that choice to remember or go into complete panic mode with the rest of the world.
But I have to make that choice.
I have to.

So day I will remember the little things.

kittens//mint bubble gum//red chucks//iced coffee//hugs from my friends//words//breath//books on my tbr//health//life//mint green fingernail polish//warmth//raindrops//love//light//taste//lemon scent//running water//safety//online connection//sunshine//ocean waves//laughter//i love lucy//innocence//second chances//third chances//doughnuts//pizza//freezers//jokes//sit coms//healing//calm//sunsets//sun rises//photos//memories

“I will not be a bloody coward in my own country. We are not waiting for death. We are going to meet it with open arms.” 
Serena wrapped her arms around him, nodding her head. 
“The light will not win today,” he said softly. “I can’t believe that it will.”
“But it might tomorrow,” she whispered against his lips. “And that gives us something to fight for.”
The Crownless King (releasing fall 2020)

Let's chat...
How are you doing? What are you choosing to do as the world seems to take pause?



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18 of your thoughts

  1. Thank you so much for sharing, Kara!!! You are such an encourager! Praying for you!!!

    I love you,
    Emily

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    Replies
    1. Prayers to you too, girl!! It's been insane but God is still good. <3

      Delete
  2. I'm sorry about your panic attack, I've had a few of those in the past.
    I've been watching comedies to cope too. :D

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    Replies
    1. Comedies = the best coping measures. <3 Stay safe, girl!

      Delete
  3. Wow Kara. I honestly related to this post so much. I wasn't afraid of the virus at first, but it just keeps getting worse, and my school getting cancelled definitely didn't help one bit. I'm still trying to find my path in all of this and what I want to do with the next 4-8 weeks of my life, but I definitely want to try to grow my blog. This is the time for it, right? Something I do like about this is all of the things I've wanted to do, I can just say, now, I have the time for it. We all just have to come together as a nation and try to stop this. Let's just watch sit-coms and wait for it to die XD
    Loved this post, Kara.
    http://accordingtoisabellakate.blogspot.com
    -Izzy

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    Replies
    1. Agreed to just sitting and watching sit coms for the next weeks ahead. It's going to be a long, scary road, but I have to remember that every generation has had its scares and struggles: why should we be any different?
      We will overcome this.

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  4. Thank you for this encouragement. Praying for you, girl! <3

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    1. Praying for you all as well! Thank you so so much -- that means a lot to me!

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  5. Praise God that the sun still comes up in the morning and He's still in control. <3

    My mom found toilet paper too! xD Actually she was about to go to a different store when a worker told her she had some left... it's absolutely crazy.

    THAT CROWNLESS KING SNIPPET. *is blessed* PERFECTION.

    theonesthatreallymatter.blogspot.com

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. UM THANK YOU FOR YOUR LOVELINESS on The Crownless King. Bless you. <3

      Delete
  6. Ah, I totally relate to this. I wasn't worried either, until everything just started completely shutting down. Now I am definitely full of dread, it's not easy, but thank you for the encouragement! It was very timely!

    Also, that snippet! *swoons*

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. YES the snippet = perfection for such a time as this. I didn't realize how much my book related to these times until now. *happy sigh*
      Anyway, Thank you so much for everything, Emily. Keep fighting -- we're going to win.

      Delete
  7. Oh my word! The Crownless King snippet!!! Thank you for the hope! <3

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  8. I understand feeling overwhelmed and unsure about everything. I am not sure if you are subscribed to my wellness newsletter but tomorrow morning a post about how to help cope with COVID in terms of mental health will be going out.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I did -- thank you so much for being a light in the darkness.

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  9. Beautifully written/said. We are alive and God has purpose for our lives. Thank you for sharing your lovely thoughts, and I pray that the panic leaves you alone compeletely from now on, God willing.

    By the way, "And then something like this happens
    and we remember."...
    Amazing lines, and I couldn't have said it better.

    -T.
    x

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    Replies
    1. Aw girl thank you!!!! The panic remains but hope as well. Thank you!!

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