yes. again.

7:09 AM

Hola readers!

This past summer, this past spring, this past winter.......really up until now, I felt myself spiraling deeper and deeper into depression.
I felt like I was suffocating.
I wanted to die.
I wanted it to end.
I wanted to break through.

I wanted God to break through. 

I was hurting. I was far from healed. I was scared. I didn't want to be this way. I didn't want my siblings to see me in another mental break down. I didn't want my parents to hear my screaming rage, because my rage wasn't at them, it was at myself.
I don't know when it was, but at some point, I let go. Really let go. Let go in the best way possible.
 I let go and let God because I knew I couldn't do it alone anymore, because depression will probably always be a major part of my life, and I didn't want to do this alone. I couldn't do it alone. Alone I was sinking. Alone I will always sink. Again and again I'm struggled to give it to God. Again and again I've failed to be the ideal, perfect Christian. I don't go with the norm. I never have.
I've struggled to keep up my image, but I cannot any longer.
I've struggled to be the perfect employee. No longer.
I've struggled to be the perfect sister. No longer.
I've struggled to be the perfect pastor's daughter. No longer.
My image is fragile, like a fleeting sunset in fall, beautiful and perfect for a quick moment but gone in a heartbeat.
but God isn't.
One day I just let go. Maybe you've read posts from me, where I've let go. Maybe you're like, "again?"
Yes. Again.
Letting go doesn't happen once.
It doesn't happen twice.
Letting go and letting God is a repeat process. Letting go isn't going to come easily. Letting go is trust and faith and repeat, over and over and over. Letting go doesn't happen once, it's doesn't make the bad disappear, but it places it in the hands of someone more powerful than little me.
In my depression, everyone has let me down. Even those who haven't meant to.
Even myself.
When I've depended on people, when I've depended on myself, to make me happy, I've never truly accomplished that. Because people are fallible. Because people let me down.
But God never lets me down. He's perfect. He sees the future. He's forgiving. He gives second chances.
So unlike the unlike even myself.
He's does what I could never do.
He's forgiven me.
I can't forgive myself for some of the terrible things I've said and done. I can't heal me. For years to come I'm positive I will continue to battle depression. I think you will continue to hear about my battle with depression.
Because these posts, these specific ones, are not for you to feel sorry for me, for you to even see me...these are just posts that say to the ones just like myself, "hello friend. You are never alone."
Because you are not, because the world trips us up every day, because people will never cease to let us down, because the world is a terrible and dark place where bad things happen every day. Because we never know what might happen. Because in the chaos we don't know where to turn. Because nothing is steadfast. Nothing lasts forever.

Because God is my only rock. Because He's the only unmoving thing in my life. He's the only thing I can truly trust. I refuse to allow my depression, my anxiety, to let anything control me. Because every morning I have to wake up and say, "not today Satan."

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10 of your thoughts

  1. Letting go doesn't happen once. It repeats over again and again. Those words make me realize something which I haven't given myself the time to come to. Again thank you for being so honest with your words. Depression can make the seasons go by so slowly but letting God take control of what you can not does make the situation better. <3 Glad to hear your are Taking for steps towards a healthy mindset. Keep your chin up my friend!

    1. Aw thanks girl. It really is an over and over again process of letting God and letting God. Thank you for your sweet words!

  2. Aw girl, I feel for you so much, and am inspired and encouraged by your hope and perseverance at the same time. Keep holding on! And while it's true that depression can be long term, I totally believe you can be healed. :) God is bigger, and He's using your story for a beautiful purpose. Sending love and hugs! xx

    1. I want to believe that I can be healed and I truly pray that one day that it will be the case. Can't wait to talk to you tonight, friend. I love you!

  3. Thanks for sharing this reminder, Kara! It's so true that trusting, letting go, and a host of other things in our Christian walk aren't one-time occurrences. They keep happening all our's hard sometimes, but it's proof that He's at work. Thank Him we don't have to do it alone! Keep pressing on! xx

    1. It really isn't a one time thing. I wish it was, but it also means a closer relationship with Jesus. XOXO

    2. Keep fighting! Never give up! You may never fully heal, but He is indeed there for when you fall. I'm here if you ever need anyone to talk to about depression.

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